Candor & Courtesy

Thomas Jefferson always regarded candor and courtesy as incompatible. Aka, one can usually choose between being honest and being nice, but not both.

Do you agree with him?

Jefferson had a tendency his entire life to simplify things into black and white, when naturally they are almost never that simple. This is probably an example of that: candor and courtesy are of course compatible in some situations, and when they aren't we all naturally go with on or the other depending on the situation. This begs the question though, how often do you go for candor, and how often for courtesy? How often are you honest with someone when you could have been a bit more polite or told them what they wanted to hear? And how often do you think one thing and say another?

I think a great deal of it depends on where you grew up. I've found that Midwesterners, for example, choose courtesy over candor much more than East Coasters do . In general actually, it's been my experience that the more urban you are, the more blunt you are, and the more small town/country you are, the more courteous and polite you are.

Neither way is inherently better or worse than the other; it's naturally just a cultural thing. But do you think one is superior to the other (most of the time). I know I'm inclined to favor candor over courtesy in most situations, having grown up in the Midwest (where people are very mannered, polite, and modest). These tendencies drive me crazy, and I have the time of my life any time I travel East and hear people talk the way I think they're meant to. So not all of it is completely related to your upbringing either. (Unless my dislike of all the courtesy is a subconscious rejection of my roots, a desire to grow up and be different than my parents. I do want this, but I don't think that's it. Think what you will.) It's also very possible then that we're all just wired too for one way or another. But look at me doing what I criticized Jefferson for doing: simplifying everything into black and white. It's of course a mix of your upbringing and your biology.

It's still an interesting question though, isn't it? What do you choose more often, candor or courtesy (when they are indeed incompatible)? Why?

Chice