Excitement

I've had far too many cigarettes than is healthy to have in a day, nevertheless an hour, so apologies if this entry doesn't make much sense to you (or, in all likelyhood, me tomorrow morning). My head's spinning though. It's great. Try it.

Tonight during my routine (or not?) walk & smoke around my neighborhood, I was thinking about a lot of things, and smoking a lot of cigarettes, which made me think about more things (things that may or may not make any sense to a sane person). It was all a little random, until I finally made it back to my house. I was all ready to climb down my windowsill and crawl back into my room for the night, but I just didn't. Instead, I sat at the top of the windowsill and just looked around my dimly lit neighborhood, listening to the traffic off in the distance (which I love) and the quiet thumping of the neighborhood wildlife prancing around.

I sat there for quite a while. I kept looking down into my room, but I didn't crawl on down for the longest time. A practical voice in my head kept reminding me that it would be smart to go and get some sleep, which I'm not getting enough of, but I just didn't want to go down.

I'm not quite sure why, but I think it's just another indication that I resent being in my house. That's why I've started taking these walks at night (walks I seem to be blogging about a great deal); that's why I've started smoking; that's why I spend as little time as possible around my parents and sister. I'm just too old to be living in the same house as the family I grew up in.

It's true that I'm going to college in August, and that's the blessing of all blessings, but I'll still have to come back here for weeks a time throughout the year, and for months at a time during the summer. It isn't completely that my family and I don't get along and they make me resent being here, though that's all true. It's more that, quite frankly, I'm bored of the life I have here now. It's a life I've lived too long, and I'm ready to move on to something else. This sounds cheesy, but the life I have here is kind of the life of a child, and I need to not live that life anymore. I need a chance to be crazy, to be young, and that just isn't happening enough here. Sure, my friends and I get drunk (etc...) a fair amount, and I have fun with my girlfriend or in my free time, but there isn't enough madness in it all.

Basically, I can't fucking wait for college. It promises madness by the truckloads. It promises the thing I think that's lacking most in my current situation, my current rut: excitement.

Chice